My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
