Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
