Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
