I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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