did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
