So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
