Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
