textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
