Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
