he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
