Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
