I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
