how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
