Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
