I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
