I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
