this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
