I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
