Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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