Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
