we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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