And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Couch. On fire.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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