guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
