according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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