I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
