At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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