We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
