hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
