Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
