I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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