I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
