Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
