and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
