don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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