I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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