he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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