she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My feet surprised me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
