My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my fart just growled at me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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