I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
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