After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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