got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
