Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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