I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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