dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
