i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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