I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
