There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
