You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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