i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
