I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm gonna fight the coyote
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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