I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
