Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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