I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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