I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
