she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
