When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
