And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
