Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
