guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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