there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
